Yaar mai anxiety aur anxiety attacks se itna pareshaan ho chuka tha ki kuch samajh hi nahi aa raha tha. Ek din mai aur meri maasi ke ladke baithe the, maine usse saari baatein bata di – “Bhai, aise aise problem ho rahi hai. Aisa lagta hai aaj marr jaunga, kal marr jaunga. Din beet jaye, bas wohi badi baat lagti hai. Raat ko bhi neend nahi aati. Bas darr laga rehta hai, ki kuch ho na jaye.”
Pehle jab akela tha, shaadi nahi hui thi, toh itna darr nahi lagta tha. Par shaadi ke baad yeh feeling aur zyada strong ho gayi – ki agar mujhe kuch ho gaya toh meri wife ka kya? Mummy ka kya? Papa toh chale gaye, ab agar mai bhi chala gaya toh mummy ka kya hoga?
Ek din mere bhai ne casually bol diya, “Kabhi kabhi daaru pee liya kar, dimaag shant ho jaata hai, tension kam ho jaati hai.”
Maine kaha, “Pagal hai kya? Daaru shuru kar du? Kal hi lag raha tha marr jaunga, aur tu keh raha hai daaru pee.”
Usne bola, “Teri marzi bhai…”
Lekin ek din, anxiety hadd se zyada ho gayi thi. Mai mentally thak chuka tha. Toh maine kaha, “Chal, 2 peg laga lete hain. Shayad thoda dimaag shant ho jaaye.”
Aur us din, maine pehli baar daaru pi thi.
Us raat, sab kuch bhool gaya. Anxiety kahan chali gayi, yaad hi nahi. Mai jo hamesha akele rehta tha, us raat sabke saath hansi-mazak kar raha tha. Mummy ne poocha, “Daaru pi hai kya?”
Maine jhooth bol diya, “Nahi.”
Woh boli, “Lagg raha hai.”
Maine bola, “Mummy, tujhe toh hamesha kuch na kuch lagta rehta hai.”
Us raat mujhe achhi neend aayi. Subah fresh feel ho raha tha. Tab laga, “Jab bhi anxiety hogi, thoda drink kar lenge.” Life thodi normal lagne lagi.
Phir dheere dheere, daaru routine ban gayi. Kabhi 15 din baad, kabhi ek hafta baad, kabhi mahina baad – fir har emotion pe drink hone laga. Dukh ho, drink. Khushi ho, drink. Function ho, drink. Anxiety ho, drink.
Daaru life ka part ban gayi thi. Office me bhi kabhi pee leta tha.https://www.self.com/story/self-medicating-alcohol-drugs
Phir cigarette shuru ho gayi.
Doston ne poocha, “Tu kab se cigarette peene laga?”
Maine bola, “Kabhi kabhi peeta hoon. Aadatan nahi. Jab chhodni hogi, chhod dunga.”
Par mujhe pata tha – cigarette meri daily life ka part ban chuki hai.
Subah uthte hi cigarette. Washroom jaate waqt cigarette. Office me thoda bhi overthinking hua – cigarette.
Ek packet toh fix, kabhi kabhi usse zyada.
Temporary sukoon milta tha, par anxiety fir waapas aa jaati thi.
Physically body thakne lagi thi. 10 seediyan chadhne pe saans phoolti thi. Gym me workout nahi hota tha. Walk pe bhi thak jaata tha.
Nasha meri body ko khokhla kar raha tha.
Wife se roz ladaiyan hone lagi. Woh kehti, “Roz daaru, roz smoke. Yeh koi tareeka hai jeene ka?”
Main ulta bolta, “Duniya karti hai, maine kar liya toh kya ho gaya?”
Ek din woh gusse me ghar chhod kar chali gayi.
Main bola, “Jaane hai toh jaa. Mujhe farak nahi padta.”
Par andar se kuch toot gaya tha.https://khuljamind.com/overthinking-se-anxiety-ka-kya-connection-hai/
Aur uske baad toh aur zyada peene laga. Mummy kuch kehti thi, fir chup ho jaati thi.
Kabhi doston ko mujhe uthakar ghar lana padta tha.
Ek din bohot daaru pee ke aaya. Subah 4 baje aankh khuli – extreme bechaini.
Mummy ko uthaya.
Woh boli, “Aur pee le. Abhi bhi kam pad gaya?”
Maine kaha, “Mummy please, aise mat bol. Boht ghabrahat ho rahi hai.”
Ghar ke aas-paas ghooma. Ek shop se dahi kharida. Kha liya. Phir 3-4 dabbe aur. Kuch farak nahi.
Nange pair ghas mein chala. Nimbu paani piya. Phir bhi koi asar nahi.
Dil tez dhadak raha tha. Bed ke saath chipak gaya. Kisi tarah aankh lagi. Subah sab normal.
Aur maine decide kiya – ab nahi. Daaru, cigarette sab chhod dunga.
Mujhe samaj aa gaya tha – anxiety toh mind ka darr hai, lekin nasha meri real body ko maar raha hai.https://khuljamind.com/kya-anxiety-normal-hai-har-kisi-ko-hoti-hai-kya/
Par yeh decision bhi sirf kuch din chala.
Fir cigarette shuru. Pehle kam. Fir full packet. Daaru bhi wapas routine.
Ek baar 4-5 doston ke saath pahadi area me party thi. Daaru pee, dance kiya.
Achaanak se heartbeat fast ho gayi. Chest pain. Sab blur.
Maasi ka ladka saath tha. Bola, “Yaar bacha le, kuch ho raha hai.”
Usne turant car nikali. Window kholi. “Fresh air le, deep breath le.”
Car full speed. Vomiting hui. Thoda halka laga. But heartbeat same.
Ghar aaya, mummy kuch nahi boli. Bas aankhon mein sab kuch tha.
Us din laga – dil phat jaayega. Bhagwan se bola, “Bacha le yaar. Ab nahi peeunga.”
Aankh band ki. Kisi tarah neend aayi.
Subah uthkar thoda better feel hua.
Aur maine kasam khai – ab nasha chhodna hi padega.https://www.verywellmind.com/using-alcohol-to-relieve-anxiety-2584210